Hello to whoever the heck is reading this.
I do spend time reading other fatherhood type blogs. Some have good stuff. Some have mediocre stuff. But almost all have ridiculously bad advertising.
Catching my attention this evening is the banner ads for the $10 E-book on “how to have great sex once you’ve had a child.”
I really hope that I never get that desperate to write such a book. (I don’t mean to harsh the author of that particular book. For all I know it could be written in iambic pentameter with the grace of ‘A midsummer night’s dream’).
But in case in a moment of collapse I do write a $10 book on such matters, let me go ahead and save you the ten bucks now to discourage myself from ever writing the book whenever then is:
There is only one thing likely to get mom or even you excited enough to contemplate sex once you’ve had a baby: Sleep. Get enough of it and it is roughly the equivalent of a spanish fly and viagra milkshake. Well not really.
While lack of sleep might not stop dad from getting excited, (for men, there is very little that will stop that…it’s called genetic programming, sort of like the tides of the ocean…it just is the way it is) but for a mom practically keeling over from exhaustion, I think that it would be safe to assume that sex will be the last thing on her mind.
So….do all the chores, take care of the kids, ensure she gets 8 hours of sleep a couple days in a row, let her go out and have a few hours with her friends and be a gentleman and you’ve probably increased your chances somewhere slightly above zero.
After that, add some romance. Don’t know what that is? Just watch a couple of the movies she watches, listen for the “aaaawwwww that is so sweet” moments and you’ll get the general drift.
Of course you also have to make sure the kids are away or asleep and that your door is locked to avoid emotionally scarring your child with an “OH MY GOD DADDY IS KILLING MOM!!!” moment. Music to mask noise doesn’t hurt either.
Other than that, there is no real big difference of before and after you have a baby. You don’t turn into a eunuch once you have a baby and she doesn’t turn into a sexless android either. You both are just a hell of a lot more exhausted and preoccupied.
Also one last thing to think about is that chances are if you weren’t having great sex before the baby arrived, you won’t be having it after the baby arrived either and that is its own unique problem. So don’t get sucker punched for $10 solving the wrong problem. Spend that $10 on flowers and chocolates and give those to your wife instead.
Until next time, I good thee bid night…
The Clueless Father