The most amazing thing about babies is…
their innate sense of timing. It borders on fricking omnipotence!
It doesn’t matter with what, they know the absolute worst moment to wake up except during the night when quantity makes up for accuracy.
You feed the baby and put them for a nap so you and mom can watch a movie and WITHOUT FAIL they wake up within twenty minutes of the end of the movie or the moment of maximum intensity in the film. Then you and mom have to take turns watching the end of the movie or wait 3-6 hours at which point you’ve already gone on-line to see how it ends just to put yourself out of agony.
Which is why at this very moment I have the time to write this instead of FINISHING THE MOVIE!!!! Sigh…
Dinner, lunch, breakfast, cartoons, sleep, movies, phone calls with important people and even romantic tomfoolery!!! They ALWAYS FREAKING KNOW!!!!
And movies are sooooooo not the worst part.
After a few months you realize that people who have stated that satyrism and nymphomania are incurable conditions obviously do not realize that just a three second 40 decibel blast of a baby shrieking in a nearby room makes it physically and mentally impossible to even contemplate anything steamier than ironing pants. Talk about instant shrivel factor. It’s like sex kryptonite.
But you know what they time even better than ALL OF THIS!!!!???
It’s their most deadly weapon of all. One which they employ with the stunning laser-like precision of a neurosurgeon’s micro-scalpel.
They use it when they know you’ve just about lost it. When you’re basically ready for the men in white jackets to haul you away in the paddy wagon. And then they hit you with it.
And it’s like seeing sunshine after 30 days of night.
It’s a special form of baby giggle and smile that says “Dad, would you lighten up! I’m just f*cking with you. I love you.”
And you realize that not only are you ready to take another 6 months of abuse like this, but you are actually looking forward to a whole lifetime of it.
Okay…I gotta take turns playing with the baby so I can finish watching How To Train Your Dragon. Did I mention that one’s whole taste in movies changes upon becoming a father as well?