Dealing with parental and marital tension

thrivingmama asked: I’ve said a lot of things – and nothing seems to work. Obviously, I’m better at writing anything than talking, but everyday I’ve made it SO clear. I don’t know what else to say. I’ve run out of things to say. I keep repeating myself over and over. And it isn’t fair to our daughter to keep feeling the tension.

Hi there.

Let me ask you the most important question of all: Do you still love him?

Underneath all the current problems, do you look at him at times and say “Why can’t it be like it used to be when…?”

Before you answer that…

No matter how angry you are with him right now, you are about to make a seriously major decision that is going to alter all of your lives forever.

If your partner:

a. Provides for you and the child in terms of food, clothing, house, material needs (Let’s skip the whole emotionally providing right now because obviously he isn’t doing that)

and

b. Does not physically beat or mentally demean you

then he deserves at least some benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s just acting the way he saw his parents act. Who knows?

But somehow you both are together and had a child. I assume that wasn’t an accident?

There must have been “something” at some point.

And the question you have to answer for yourself right now is: Is that “something” worth saving?

If it isn’t and if there never was anything there, and he isn’t providing, then maybe you’re right, maybe it is time to move on.

But if it is and you two shared something that has gotten lost, buried or tarnished, then it’s worth giving a go at saving it.

It isn’t that men are different than women, it’s that no matter how much people would like to think otherwise, we are all unique individuals and have different ways of dealing with our problems.

It however is rather stereotypical of many men that for whatever reason, most of us don’t like to talk about our problems. Our problems are like splinters, some times they are sticking out on the surface as obvious and painful as hell. Sometimes they go in deep and you have to cut them out with the knife. And sometimes you just have to wait until they work themselves out.

I get that you talk to him a lot. But somehow, someway, you need to get him to talk. Get him to tell you what’s going on.

The other thing is you should calm down if you can before trying to talk with him. Guys don’t like being yelled at. Nobody likes being yelled at. Even when we are wrong, and when we are defensive some times we do stupid things. And once two people who loved each other start yelling at each other, it puts you both down a dark road that can be very hard to come back from.

But one of the two of you is going to have to be bigger than this problem and give it a shot at resolving it. For your child’s sake and for the future happiness of all of you. Like it or not, your child has linked the both of you until death do you part. Even if you are ex-es, the child is going to want to see their father and it would be best for the child if the relationship was as amicable as possible.

Hoping you can find a way through this, and here if you need any help.

Dare

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